Yup. I haven’t been here in a long time. So, here’s my reality.
I suffer from severe depression and anxiety. I have been struggling more than usual with both of these issues over the past 12 months. Some days are better than others. There were a bleak few months where I could barely leave the house. I have discovered that the state of Utah’s mental health system is horrible. I cannot get to see a psychiatrist unless I am practically indigent or overly insured.
I thought I had the insurance thing sorted (I started a job with great benefits), until I discovered that the insurance company has decided to exclude my depression and anxiety and all related medications until mid December. That’s 2 weeks before they will no longer be allowed to exclude pre-existing conditions under the new health care laws.
I am thrilled that I own a music venue with my best friend, but feel like I don’t have the time to make it truly thrive. I also feel VERY out of place in this town/state. I love the beauty of the state, and have a few close friends, but most of the time, I feel awkward and alone. I am not religious (in fact, quite anti-organized religion), I am single, I have no desire to procreate and I am not in my early twenties. All of these factors place me firmly in the minority when it comes to the population of this town/state.
The religion issue has probably affected me the most. Yes, I knew that I was moving to a state where the majority of the population are practicing Mormons. What I didn’t understand was that Mormonism in Utah is not just a religion, it is a culture. And that culture makes me extremely uncomfortable. When people talk about their wards and their missions and their FHE nights, I just want to scream. Particularly when those discussion are happening in my workplace. If this happened in San Francisco, there would be reprecussions. For me (based on my upbringing and previous experiences), religion is NOT something to be discussed in the workplace. I should not have to look at a bible of any kind during my workday. But there are 5 copies of the Book of Mormon in my company’s library. The first 10 minutes of a “business meeting” this week were spent discussing everyone’s mission experiences. I didn’t go on a mission. I have no desire to sit in a room and listen to everyone else discuss their missions. ESPECIALLY AT WORK!!! I attempted to speak to my boss about it and was essentially told, that’s the culture. Unless someone is trying to convert me or outwardly commenting on my lack of religion, there is apparently nothing to be done. So I guess it comes down to me exiting the room when these conversations begin or telling people that their discussion is making me uncomfortable.
So. I moved to a beautiful place where I have no choice but to be constantly assaulted by this religion that I want no part of. Apparently my lack of belief and desire to life my life free from organized religion is secondary to the general populous’ need to constantly discuss their relationship with their church and those in their church. This is officially the side of Utah that I can’t stand. I have nothing against people wanting to follow a particular religion, but when it’s shoved down my throat on a daily basis, I have a hard time separating the people from the religion. Perhaps this is why the Church appears cultish to outsiders. I see people who are so immersed in their “religious culture” that they completely ignore the fact that others may not subscribe to the same beliefs nor wish to be subjected to them regularly. I am really hoping that this is something that will become less offensive to me, but I’m skeptical.
Music Moves Me 